Mom

I don't know why,
suddenly the thoughts about my mom came into my mind.
Looking back to the past,
to the earliest memory that I can recall,
even though the images are not that clear,
I still remember how happy I was,
back then when I was really, really small,
when there was only me, my brother and both of my parents,
yes I was very small at that time,
but the feelings of being loved and cared for are still fresh,
I could say that was the perfect, happiest time of my life,
when my age was less than 3 years old..

As time flew by,
everything started to fade,
and in less than few years, it has really gone..
I know mom had to deal with lots of pressure and problems,
in which I wished I could help her with,
but at that age, what could I possibly have done..
I was surrounded by half a dozen of siblings, but actually I grew up alone..
I missed the warmth of her touch, her hugs and her kisses..
I missed being pampered and being well taken care of..
I missed the attention and the courage given to make me feel safe..
I missed being loved as a daughter..

Up till now,
I still remember how mom and dad have put high hopes on me,
maybe because I was the only one who grew up the way they wanted their children to be.
But how is it fair,
when I fulfilled their wishes,
yet I didn't get what I long for..
All I was asking for is to feel appreciated, to feel as if at least I have parents to love me for who I am, to feel as if I'm valuable..
Is that to much to ask for?
Unlike the other brothers and sister,
mom said she doesn't really know me, what I like and dislike, what I feel and what I want,
of course you don't know mom,
you forgot how I really grew up alone.
Do you realize that,
everytime I did very well in every exams at school,
everytime I got praised by the teachers,
everytime I brought back all A's in all important exams until I finished school,
all you said was, "congratulations" and that was it..
Do you know what I really wanted
was for you to hug me and kiss me and tell me how proud and happy you are,
all I want is to feel as if what I've got really worth the effort,
coz everything I did, was a present to both you and dad..
But sadly,
my friends' moms did those to me instead of you,
they hugged me tightly and told me how proud they'd feel if I was their daughter..
Those should have came from you..
Do you even know I've been living in fear since I was in pre-school?
You have noooo idea about what happened to me
and all that I've been going through mom..
I went through a lot of things that a small child shouldn't have,
and I faced it all alone,
everything has traumatized me..
however as the saying goes,
'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger'

During my last week at home before I got back here,
I remember how mom told my brothers that she praised me for being a very good child ever since I was small,
coz I didn't rebel, I listened to what both mom and dad said, I did what they want me to do, unlike the rest of them..
Thanks, but really, I don't need all those praises if I got what I really want..
To be loved, to be pampered, to be well taken care of, to feel safe having them around..
In facing the harsh reality and go through this life I'm living in,
I want to feel like I'm not alone..
I've been alone all my life, I wish there's somebody by my side to help me go through it..
For once, I just hope I could feel that there is someone who honestly cares about me, and truly loves me for who I am..
and of course, not just temporarily..