Tears

Dayah came into my room.
She looked at me and asked if I was ok.
I folded over the screen of my laptop and jumped onto my bed.
With my face hidden under the pillows, I started to cry.
I cried so hard that my whole body was shaking.
I cried so hard that my lungs felt like they were going to explode.
I cried so hard that I could barely breathe.
I cried so hard that she got worried and started asking me what happened.
Not even one word could come out from my mouth.
When I could finally take a deep breath after a while,
I told her that I really hate myself,
that I've never felt as stupid as I feel now,
that a fool like me doesn't deserve to live.
I told her that a close friend said that I have a very good brain that I'm able to be at this stage, but I'm very stupid when it comes to love, and she'd rather have an average brain but knows how to handle stuff like this.
I told her what an idiot I am for letting the same thing happened to me twice, as if I didn't learn any lesson from the past.
I told her I don't wanna live if this is how life treats me.
I've never cried like this in front of anyone,
it's really a shame.

I've kept it for a week, and I just couldn't hold it anymore.
I hate feeling like this,
I hate being so weak and vulnerable,
I hate going through something I don't actually deserve,
Most of all, I hate being me..
and later that night,
I fell asleep with tears still running down my cheek..